I stopped writing and we stopped doing our podcast in late August 2019. I’m ready to start writing again. This post talks about why we stopped. It’s not been easy to write, but it is important.

Content warnings: death, cancer, depression

Veronica’s Mom passed away last autumn. Nobody knew she had cancer until she was already in intensive care with doctors talking about hospices. We had five weeks from the day we found out until the day she passed away. We flew out to Illinois for a week just after finding out and went again when she moved into the hospice.

Veronica was alone with her at the end. I could have been there to support her through that, but we had decided it was more important for me to keep a work commitment in Germany. I left thinking she had days left but it was only hours. She passed away when I was somewhere over the Atlantic. We will always regret that decision.

We miss her terribly. Almost a year later, we still have moments of wanting to share things with her. We know that mourning and healing will take time. We bought two poinsettias because they’re her favourite plant in the holiday season. Veronica created a beautiful place in the garden dedicated to her.

That was obviously the toughest part of 2019. However, it happened in the middle of a series of financial, medical and personal challenges. Both of us were already dealing with depression before we got the bad news from Illinois. We rallied to get through that time but that came at a huge cost emotionally and physically. By December, we were exhausted. The holiday season was tough but in January, we started to come out of it and find our way again.

Crucially, during that period, we both re-entered therapy. We also tried our best to support each other and to accept support when it was offered by friends and family. That combination of professional and personal support was invaluable when “the events of 2020” kicked off.

Now I feel the drive to write again. I want to get back to creating a resource for partners and allies. I think it’s time.